24 May 2018

Promises // Dada's diary

Hi.

Do you see the title? OK, let's just jump into it. 
Actually, let me think about this a bit more. Or, better said - let me over-think it. Because that is what I usually do. And I know, a lot of you do it as well.

Tell me, do you keep promises? Do you give promises? And if you do, are you able to cheat on people you gave the promise to? Or have you been betrayed?
You know, I was taught since the very beginning of my life that if I promise something to somebody, I should do it so. Just to stay strong for my words. And not to promise something I am not able to do. And most importantly - not to lie when it comes to promises I gave.

Promises are here to show us that we can build trust between each other. They give us a great feeling when someone believes in you. Promises also teach us how fragile is the line of trusting somebody that they would do what they promised to you.

Now, when I am writing this, one thing goes on my mind - what is actually the promise? Do you understand the promise only when the particular person says "I promise you"? Or do you consider it even when somebody says "I will do it for you" or "You can count on me"?
I take those ones as promises as well. And I even usually believe people will act upon them. Just because I have that faith in people.

Later I get upset. So many times, cannot count it anymore. Like that day...
I was promised to be rewarded in some way. And that motivated me. It was not maybe or in the future. It was a statement that I would get something if I did something. I did it, spent hours and prioritised it in my life. I worked to reach the "finish line". And than - the promise disappeared and the work I maange to be done went away from me without being rewarded.
I did not put this situation here to make you guess if it happened in a personal life or in a professional life of myself. I wrote about it because I would like to know if there is more people who give promises and they do not fulfill them out there. Do not it eat them from inside? Hunt them in the sleep?
How do they feel? Does it hurt them when they realise basically betrayed other human being? Do they feel guilty? Ashamed? Or they just wave with a hand and go on?
Come on, the person who they gave the promise feels it. It is a pain after all. Especially when the person believed in them. How can they say and promise something and not even try to keep up with it?

I am also just a human and it happened to me too. I was not able to accomplish everything I promised to people. But I did try. And, at the end, I somehow finish everything. Or almost everything. I say almost because I made two promises I was not able to fulfilled. One of those promises died with my mum and one is somewhere, buried deeply inside of me however ready to scream when I decide to give a promise to anybody. It reminds me how important is to think twice before I say something.
I love when I can give a promise and achieve the expected result. For example at work. The feeling brought by doing the good job counts for a lot. It is even more miraculous  personal life. I promised to my dad that everything would be OK and, as it turned out, it was. I said my grandma I will be there for her and I was when she needed me. And I made some promises to myself as well. I have not reached all of them, not yet. But I am working on them.

Lately, I except one promise. I keep waiting for it. I am almost sure it will never come (and it should not because it can destroy me a bit) I still hope I will hear it. Unfortunately I cannot speak freely  of what the thing is, that's deep in my soul and I need it to stay there. Maybe forever. The worst is, that even if this promise will be said at the end, it will hurt. This way or that way. It is like a circle in which I am stacked. To be honest, I got myself inside so I should not complain. But I though it would not go as it is going. How should I have known....

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