17 Dec 2017

How I feel to be seen by people around me // Dada's diary

Morning everybody.

Lately, I have been keeping thinking about people. And not about people in general, however about specific ones, the people around me and their behaviour towards me.

For the last two years I have been discovering my worse parts of personality and my negative sides. I have been digging deeply in my heart (or mind if you want), trying to find everything bad it could be there. Honestly, it´s almost destroyed me. To take out your worst memories or situations that ever happened to you, that is a task which is worth a price.

I found a mess. Complete mess which I have cleaned as much as I could. It is like with very old oven, some of the dirt does not want to go, you have to try and try to clean it until it is finally gone. It works exactly like that as it works with the old oven (yeah, I might feel old sometimes).
Wait a minute, I was talking about the price you are worth after the great cleaning your inside. From my point of view, you should be taken by people in a different way as you were before. Because, everybody makes mistakes. And we should be forgiving. You know, I´ve forgiven people who hurt me very much. And they did not care. And I hurt a lot of people. Each of us did, some of us less, some of us more. I see myself as a person who hurt more than others. I might be just too strict to myself but that is how I feel it. But I made it up. Everything if I may say. Any s**t I have ever done or though, I paid for it. It just works like that and soon you find it out, the soon you should be able to avoid it.

Often I do not feel I got the price for being a better human being. There are moments when I feel "this is why I have done it, this is the moment I have been waiting for". But then comes somebody who knows or does not know me very well and starts judging me. Not in person, they keep it for themselves or they gossip about me later.

They say I am silly. They say I am a child. They say I will not be successful. They say I act as I should not. They say I am too emotional. They say I do not understand the life. They say I do not know how to manage my life.
I am not silly, I know something. Maybe less than you, maybe more than you. But why should we say it to everybody? Why should we be asked to extol what we do? Why should we let everybody know details of the life way we have chosen to go through?
I do not have to and I will not. Let live our lives without comparing who has got better education or where they work. 

I am a child. I admit I often feel that good. Could you believe that? I am able to live my life as a adult but inside of me, I can explode with a pure joy and happiness you might have forgot. It is a fantastic feeling. When I feel good and comfortable, you see the true me and they say that it should not be like that? Why should not it be? Who are us to say what is good and wrong about other people? I do not cover bad, very bad people who did horrible things. But even there I do not feel that important and informed to throw them away as bad ones and start to judge them. I try to understand them and show them the right way. It is that simple and it makes a huge difference. And most importantly, all of us choose the right way for ourselves.
What I want to say with this is that just because somebody feels so good at your company that they show you how happy and lightly they are with you, that is not automatically wrong. We should not stop enjoy the happiness we felt when we were younger. I think that is the opposite. That should be the biggest compliment you can get without even be said about the compliment.

I am successful. They were/are wrong. I have been born successful because since then I have had everything. It have not changed it until now. Hopefully it will not change and I will pass this success to my children. However I can be more successful, there is no doubt about it. And I work on it. And I will. I just do not want people to see me, working on things I want to achieve. Because when I showed my dreams and told them about my plans, they did not believe them or they even laughed on them. Well, should I say the plans were successfully done and now I should be the one laughing? No. I would like to support them and let them know that we should follow our dreams and work on our plans. 

I act as I should not, sometimes. Since my thoughts go too quickly for other people to catch that speed, they sometimes do not understand what or why I say something. Or I can say what I exactly feel or I can misunderstand. That happens to a lot of people I believe. I have been working on it. But it is not that easy. You do not wake up one day and change something what was/is natural for your personality for years. You have to really change the way how you´re thinking. So, give me time please :-)

I am too emotional. I am and I am proud of it. I inherited it from my mum and although I know it makes my life more difficult, I do not want to give up of it. I am able to feel much more than other people. Yes I can be hurt more. But I can also be happier, do no forget about that. To make my and others´ lives easier, I try to be honest straight away when I get to know somebody and lately they do not seem to have a big problem with that. Actually they say the opposite. So why was I told almost my whole life than this is one of the worst sides of my personality? :-(

I understand life. Oh, you have no idea (probably) how very well I understand it. And hopefully you will never have to find out why. There is one thing which is different how you see the life and how I see the life. We do not live the same life. Since the first second, each of us has been walking a different path. And isn't it good? or even - beautiful?

And about managing my life - I heard this just from people who did not seem to live the happiest lives. They are often complaining about things just they can change, they have a lot of negativity in they hearts and they even spread it and the most importantly - they see the evil and iniquity just on other people. Let's keep this one for each of us to answer it the best as we just can.
Do not judge people like me please. We listen to as well even when you do not say it louder. We see as you act in our company and we feel how you treat us. We are humans as well. 

I just do not understand the injustice. I should not have to defend myself like this. Or people similar to me. I realise we are harder to be understood. But that is not reason to give up on us.
A lot of very important people in a recent history felt almost the same as I feel. And I began to defend myself after I read about them, when  I saw the thoughts they shared with the rest of the world.
I do not feel hatred in my heart anymore and I see everybody clear. You might try it as well. For the start, just close and then slowly open your eyes.

Thank you for reading this article. Means a lot. <3 Serusky

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